A Child And Money. Is That A Happy Combination? Thoughts Of A Concerned Parent

One of the benefits of social networking is that many friends and acquaintances can be made aware of a personal problem and weigh in on how to deal with it. Of course, advice is there to be taken or left. One of my friends, has had a lot of advice and a lot of thinking to do about how to deal with childrens' demands and if money can help resolve the issues. The following is her story.

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By Lisa Pitt

Recently, I was walking through the store with my daughter who has come to be my shopping companion. This is mainly because she is the only one of my three children who acts partially civilized in public, at least when she is not under the influence of sibling pressure to act out. If you've ever walked by me and witnessed my blood pressure peaking as my offspring peel off clothes, spin around on the floors, and enthusiastically instruct each other in high pitched screams to conduct full throttle mayhem, then you will understand that this is as good as it gets for me. But lately, a problem has developed.

As we wheeled through the aisles, I perused and price checked, listening half heartedly to her chatter. She started grabbing items of necessity only to her, and then found her way to the floor after I refused to put her within arms' reach of shelved merchandise. "Mommy!!! I want this... I need that... ooohhhh, I want one of those.... can you hand me that...." I incredulously replied "No" to each request but then wondered silently if I was the source of this behavior. I've gotten into the bad habit of purchasing her little low cost items she puts in the basket. I do it so often, it's an unconscious habit. Now she has the expectation that I WILL buy her something whenever we run to the store. I've created a shopping monster and self replication is obvious down to the genetic level.

So how and why has this generation of children become adamant consumers? In the past, we could blame commercials. But in fact, there may be even greater influences in the home. Dennis made an excellent comment in a recent discussion that made me reexamine the issue. Children are mimicking our behavior to a much greater degree than what they see on television. In fact, it is quite ordinary to see an infant attempt to use a credit card swiper. While it was once said that imitation was the highest form of flattery, it can also be the basis for a lifelong bad addiction.

Contemplating this question, I returned to our recent discussion about the value of material possessions to children. The conversation started out of my frustration to get my children to move their bikes and scooters into the garage. Each evening, I found myself indulged in the task of caring for their things by putting them out of harm's way. My anger erupted and I concluded that perhaps their things should disappear for a few days and then they'll value their possessions a little more.

Thus, our discussion began. One friend replied, "Good Luck!" while another responded "Sometimes that worked for me. Sometimes, I just moved on to different stuff." I soon found myself in good company as a friend commiserated, "OMG, this sounds like our world and it just makes me crazy. When threatened with the possibility of losing their stuff, their attitude is *shrug* I'm sure someone will buy us another one....arrgh.

As adults, we work to acquire things that we have to pay for with money, not smiles and hugs and good behavior, but hard earned cash. To that notion, my friend's son responded, "I don't get it. That just doesn't make sense." From a child's point of view, is life filled with brightly colored every abundant Monopoly and Pay Day money? To that Dennis remarked that I should make bringing in toys a condition for next activity. He added that he is not keen on bargains like this, but they may work. Another friend chimed, "Are they old enough for an allowance? My parents used to dock mine when I did stuff like that; quite effective as I recall...wait, did I leave my scooter outside..."

Dennis took them all on in his response with the following: He asked one friend:

"'Threats' are of course confrontational; kids figure it out quickly and faster than most adults, who get caught up with values that kids don't have. Money? What's that? Most adults don't understand the relationship between income and spending. Need I mention the US personal debt/credit card 'crisis'?”

To me, he noted that “Most actions flow based on seeing clear benefits. What ever that is for the kids, that's what will work best. It may be that they care less about the bikes than you do, so logically YOU should show you care. You define failure as achieving what you want but with your effort not theirs. How have the kids defined 'failure' or 'success', if at all? Think on...Whose gain/loss is more important? Economics IS about choice. On allowances, it's very funny for people who did not live all of their lives with a lot. Kids in say sub Saharan Africa with not much at all also give problems--but different ones. But money cannot become a factor in solving that, because 'spare' money is not available (US$1 a day does not stretch far). Interesting exercise: think how you would solve a problem if you did not put a price on it. Strip it to its essential. When money enters a relationship does it not get tainted? If not, what is the issue with...You know where I'm going, right?”

There were many things to contemplate in his response. But I noted that children DO know things cost money and that adults have to pay for the items, either party needs or wants. That's why my children ask if I don't have enough money when I tell them I won't buy something. So I guess it’s already part of the equation. What's funny is that they don't see cash that much because I always use debit/credit cards. In reviewing the responses I noticed that people were providing anecdotes on a theme Dennis raised. What is the value of money or the worth of objects to children? Can they get their material desires fulfilled by people other than their parents, will it hurt their prospects of buying more things, or will they even care the next day given the abundance of personal items possessed by little people today. Then Dennis asked an interesting question, "Do they really know the difference between $10 and $1000? Can they point to things and say "That costs $x"? If so, send them to work for the US Federal Reserve or the US Treasury."

"What a kidder Dennis is," I thought. But then again, perhaps more can be said about the relationship adults have to money and how it influences children. I recalled a millionaire who had to tell his children he would not buy them expensive toys after purchasing a high priced luxury vehicle. Do as I say... not as I do applies here. And similar to children, adults can cherish items that have little or no monetary value. So what do we make of how pennies are worthless to adults and prized possessions in the hands of child? And how many instances can one recall of a child unwrapping a present and playing with the paper not the toy?

Another friend weighed in that she was giving her children allowances because, "I wanted them to understand what $$ is worth in their own terms...so they have to save half towards a goal, and they can spend half on WHATEVER they want to (although if it's junk food, I don't let them eat whatever they want...that's another story). Now when I want results I attach financial penalties to noncompliance and you should see them jump!!!"

I think that children want money just like adults because it allows them to have the material and necessary items they desire. They witness the joy we have when acquiring new things and the dismay we show when we can't afford something. The Mini Me rebirthed in a shopping cart. In recalling last week's shopping trip, my daughter's comment that I should just ask one of the other shoppers for money in order to buy her something that I stated I could not afford seems to make her an excellent candidate for employment with the US Treasury. Hmmm... works for me as well.

Do As I Say Not As I Do.

I have written before about my fascination with the way people will do the hard thing of following a logic to its conclusion only to not apply the logic to themselves or their own behaviour. Barbados is not unique (one cannot be VERY unique), but it gives better examples because I am living there. All of this adds colour to life, but is still curious.

We have discussions about xenophobia, where commentators deny that it exists in the island, and then they lambaste people for being foreigners or for 'not being like us'. Pass the dictionary, Mavis.

You hear opining about 'we are for free speech and free expression...let all tongues speak and all hands write', yet the only speech and expressions that are tolerated (meaning that which is usually accepted with gracious commentary) is that which is in line with the accepted view. Where's that red pencil, Charlie?

You have calls for people to act as adults and not like children, then you spot pettiness that only has its place amongst the under 10s. In my case, I noticed that another Bajan blog has done a 'you're not my friend anymore' and removed a link to my blog (I still retain a link to theirs because it's a blog that may interest other readers and sharing is caring). So after a 'why cant we just all get along?' ditty was followed by 'pack up your Georgie bundle and go long', we get 'we go cut you loose'. This has to have a lot of tee-hee to it, as it suggests that curious people were actually linking through to my blog. Weasels! So, now, Sherlock, do you think there are enough literate and intelligent people who can find my blog without the 'magic key'? Do I hear a 'Duh'? Mummy, can I have my hankie, please?

I wonder if Barbados is the land that time forgot. Bless 'em. Now that they have a pop star everything that she does is under scrutiny.Problem is, everything she does seems to be out in the open and hard to avoid. Who needs to scrutinize? Now, she has gonna topless inna magazini italiana (Vogue). Showing alla offa her bodi. Then we heara alla about her private bizniz witha Christopher Brown and the paparazzi are having a field day again. Did he beat her? He says he cannot remember. Does that suggest that he did it often and therefore it is all a blur? What did he say to Larry King? "When I hear about the police reports, I don't know what to think," Brown told CNN's Larry King, in a programme to be broadcast on Wednesday (2 September). "That's not who I am as a person. It's like crazy to me." (See Guardian report.) So, it was wrongful charges, CB? C'mon, dudester. Do betta! But, it's in keeping with foolishness. The country's PM had named Ms. Fenty as an ambassador for youth and culture some 18 months ago, with diplomatic passport to boot (or is that booty? or now even boots?), and now all are stuck with that. THE role model? People like to show prudery but when it comes to one of yer own who is so pretty and nice, let prudery take a back seat. Where are my worry beads, Stavros? Cover your eyes, children.

The new school year has begun and already the hem line ruler is out. I know that when the next incident is reported of bad behaviour by school children on buses the first matter will be to separate those whose hemlines were too short and whose trousers were below their waist. That way, we can focus on the bad apples, as we know that the correctly dressed children are paragons of virtue and should be left to go home and get on with their homework while someone finds a tamarind switch to beat the living daylights out of the miscreants. Cleavdon Brathwaite what's taking so long to cut that switch? Tschoupse!

I'm going to meet a Bajan of no mean intelligence later this morning. We are going to head into deep cultural territory and knock each other out about what to do with West Indies cricket. I want to scrap the regional entity, he wants to rebuild it. But, I will ask him if he sees these Bajanery things differently. He has had the mixed (or is it mis-?) fortune of living in h-America for a while, in that Caribbean melting pot of Brooklyn. I know that when I meet him he will not give me the h-American treatment: he will know that I am not from from Jamaica, Queens, New York, or from the skiing village of Jamaica, Vermont (maybe we will need to capture the place and make it our cool runaway). I may have to dust off my skis and head there this winter. I can read the headlines now: 'Jamaican comes from Jamaica to Jamaica. Whatcha make of that?'

Ancestral voices

I think I am very typical of a black Caribbean person in wanting to know who I am and from where I came. The history of the slave trade is such that most of those decended from slaves have very little idea of who truly is part of the family. Typically, we have focused on the names we now carry, none of which have any relationship to the names our African ancestors had. Yet, people proudly utter phrases such as "I'm a Cumberbatch..." or "You can tell they are Bethels..." rpoduly hanging on to names given by a European slave owner of overseer.

Maybe some families in the Caribbean had the fortune to be descended for a known African line that had some social cohesion before slavery.True, in the short history that exists since slaves were brought to the Caribbean families have been built in the islands and countries. But because we do not know our true origins, it is impossible to know who is really descended from whom, and who are the true cousins. I have a fear that there is a genetic time bomb ticking in the region because there have been clear instances of deliberate interbreeding. But there have been many inadvertent episodes of interbreeding because we do not know our lineage, with many so-called cousins who are really half-brothers and half-sisters.

As far as the modern history is concerned, for a long time I have wanted to build a family tree. I started that today, using software on http://www.tribalpages.com/. I admire those families who have for generations guarded and nurtured their ancestral history. I regret that many people never had the chance to have a family portrait painted or a family photograph taken. I have been a keen photographer for years and now I can start to make some of the family pictures I have make my family tree come to life.

In the Caribbean, we have some odd lineage anyway. We have some clean lines of ancestry, meaning families built around the social norm of marriage before children, and no children procreated by either partner outside the marriage. Let's loosen marriage to say "long-term relationship", because the slave history created many generations who were not allowed to marry, yet were encouraged to breed.

We also have to a very large extent, maybe greater in some cases, confused lines of ancestry. In Jamaica, where I was last week, all the talk is about two national pastimes. One is "bunning", where a man is being cheated on by his woman. The other is the lethal offshoot of bunning, "jacketing", that is getting a man to accept as his a child conceived with someone else. You get the meaning of this from statistics recently released in Jamaica showing that some 33 per cent of Jamaican men have been named "father" to children they have not sired. Put this into the context of a country that has 85% of children born out of wedlock and over 50% with no registered father (Jamaica's Statin 2000) and you will guess that there is an ancestral nightmare unfolding. Some argue that this is a kind of promiscuity that has its roots in slavery and the way that normal pair-bonded relations were not allowed to develop.I think Jamaica's situation is extreme in the Caribbean, but I do not believe it is unique in Caribbean.

But with that as background, today I embarked on trying to build my family tree. "Shame and scandal in the family" was a great hit because many people could relate to it: "...that girl is your sister, but your Mama don't know..." and "Your Daddy ain't your Daddy, but your Daddy don't know!" can be all too familiar (bad pun?). Every family has skeletons in the closet and I dont know how much of that I will uncover. My simple objective is to try to map what my family looks like.

When all of that is done, I would then like to know who were my true ancestors. If reparations really means something to Caribbean countries I would advocate that they push for every citizen to have a DNA test. That way we could dismiss some of the stories about from where in Africa we came.