Not Leaving On A Jet Plane

Today, I am going personally "where no man has gone before", to borrow from Star Trek. I am going to travel on LIAT--again. My wife does it all the time and curses as soon as she arrives at the airport and starts sending me messages: "We're delayed..." "We are on board, due to take off..." " We are still on the ground; mechanical problems..." "We are back in the terminal..." "Flight has been cancelled. Coming home..." "My bags did not come...". "I'm in Martinique. I don't know why." "We have turned back to Antigua..." The other day I knew what she really felt: she booked with Caribbean Airways and booked me on LIAT! Going to the same place. What the ----! I see your faith, woman.

She has tried to calm my fears by telling me that the flight is direct. But, so what? Direct does not mean that there is no chance for an unscheduled stop. Or it does means that my bag wont be left in Barbados and be waiting for me when I come back. It does not mean that I will take off on time and not have to spend half a day in an airport. I must admit that being stranded in Barbados is better than in Antigua--which I will dub the hub from hell. 

So, to what do I have to look forward? I spent time yesterday trying to explain to friend in Africa why travelling within this region is so hard. I told him of the ways that LIAT could be made into phrases so that it became a series of acronyms. He is a very witty and wordy guy, who regularly whips me at Scrabble. He came up so fast with his own set.

Living In A Tailspin
Life Is A Turnaround

Left In A Terminal (already have it)

Like It All? Thanks
Leaving In A Tardy (plane)
Life Is A Task

Life Is All Toil

Anyway, I just want the pilots to not be on strike, and better still not go on strike after we take off. I want the steward or stewardess to be there too after I have to open the emergency door, rather than having jumped first. I do not want more for an in-flight meal than a bag of chips and a box of juice. I don't have time for the full steak meal. 

Though LIAT cannot control the following, I also do not want any talkative person burdening me with his or her problems, and counting out money in her lap. I do not want a little child vomiting into my lap. I do not expect value for money, just a nice take off and landing. I do not expect points for my travel because I can never get any simple answer when I go to the office in Bridgetown. I wont hold grudges for those things. Why? LIAT is our regional airline and it is us. Lazy. Idle. Annoying. Tiresome. It is LIAT. It is Windies cricket in the air. Full of broken promises. It is politicians who cannot take responsibility for their short comings. I want LIAT to be like Usain Bolt--a good thing sent to the world--not like a spliff smoker or a gangster--a thing of shame from which I want to dissociate. So, make us all proud, no.

This is your last chance and I promise you, if you mess up this time and I have trouble getting to or from Dominica, you may wish that you had flights to Timbuktu.